Ambiguity

Not setting clear intentions can cause big f*cking problems.

Dating, relationships, work, the thing you told yourself you’d do this year. Ambiguity is the b*tch that leaves you wondering where it all went wrong.

And most of it is self-inflicted. Nobody lied to you. You never asked, and they never said.

From the inside, two very different situations look exactly the same.

• She likes you back and is too shy to say so.

• She likes you as a mate and has no idea you’re waiting.

You don’t find out which one you’re in by thinking harder. You find out by asking.

Quite recently I came across a Chinese phrase, 暧昧 (àimèi).

Sounds cute, right? A bit of mystery is intriguing, especially at the start. It keeps things interesting.

I was absolutely convinced she felt the same way I did. That little bit of intrigue blinded me to reality.

By not being clear about what I wanted, the whole thing dragged on far longer than it needed to. I put a lot of time and a lot of emotion into somebody who didn’t see me the same way. All because I assumed.

I ended up in the friendzone. It’s a place you walk into, not one you get pushed into.

The lesson was simple and I learned it the expensive way. Don’t assume. A touch of mystery keeps it exciting; clarity is what tells you whether you’re both reading the same story. I’d built an expectation out of nothing, and expectations built out of nothing hurt just as much as the real ones.

When you don’t say what you want, the other person fills in the gap themselves. And they fill it with whatever suits them, or whatever they’re scared of.

She thinks you’re not that bothered. Your boss thinks you’re happy where you are. Your mate thinks you’re fine with the plan because you didn’t say otherwise.

Then it goes wrong and everybody’s hurt, and nobody can point at the lie, because there wasn’t one.

The fix is boring. Spell it out. Asking a girl out, pitching a project at work, telling your family you’re not coming for Christmas. Say the actual thing, in words, so there’s nothing to misread.

It also makes you look bold and honest, which happen to be attractive. Assertive, not aggressive. Just don’t be a nob about it.

That’s what living without clear intentions feels like. Visibility shrinks. You can’t see what’s coming, so you can’t make a decent decision about it, and you find out where the wall was by hitting it.

Ambiguity keeps you stuck in limbo. You overthink every interaction and second-guess every message, because the interactions and the messages are all you’ve got to go on.

I’m ashamed to admit how much time I’ve wasted on it. Reading a text four times. Working out what a two-hour reply meant. What was the point?

If you don’t know where you stand, ask. Early. It stings to hear no in week one. It’s nothing next to working it out for yourself in month six.

A warning for the soppy sods. Clarity means saying what you’re after. It does not mean dumping every feeling you’ve got on a girl you’ve met twice.

“I think you’re great, I’d like to see you again” is clear. “I’ve never felt like this” on a first date is a different problem, and I’ve written about it.

Yes, I’m talking to you needy f*ckers.

The same fog rolls in everywhere, and the fix is the same everywhere.

Dating: if you want something serious, say so, and if you fancy her, make it obvious. Flirt. Ask her where she stands rather than guessing from how long she took to reply.

Work: find out exactly what’s expected of you, in writing if you have to, and get the goal of the project said out loud before you start on it. Half the projects I’ve seen die were killed by six people each building a different thing.

Friends and family: tell them what you need, because they’re not mind readers either. And say what you’re not up for before you’re stood there resenting it.

You might get a no. I’ve had plenty.

A no in week one costs you a week. The alternative cost me months, and I still got the no.

Say what you want. Early. Then at least you know.