Assertiveness

Women love a bold man.

Not a loud one. Not a bloke who talks over everyone in the pub. A man who knows what he wants, says it plainly, and doesn’t need you to lose for him to win.

It’s one of the most attractive things we’ve got, and most of us never use it.

There are two ways to get it wrong.

• Say nothing, and resent everyone for not reading your mind.

• Say it like a d*ck, and watch nobody listen.

Assertive sits between the two, and I spent the best part of thirty years at the wrong end of that line.

I used to be painfully shy. If a person looked at me, I looked away, because eye contact felt like a threat.

I avoided conflict at all costs. As an introvert I was happy being invisible. I wanted a quiet life, and I never wanted to p*ss anyone off.

Agreeable, I think, is the word. Robert Glover wrote a whole book about blokes like that, No More Mr Nice Guy, and I didn’t enjoy how much of it I recognised.

Oh, how things have changed.

I’m an INFJ, if you go in for that sort of thing, which means I’m not meant to enjoy a row. But these days if somebody says something I don’t agree with, I’m excited. Friendly debate is one of my favourite things.

A disagreement is a chance to learn something, or to teach somebody something. Either way I come out ahead.

If I want something, I ask for it. If I don’t want to do something, I say no, and I don’t spend the next hour explaining why. The old me would have said yes, gone along, and sulked about it for a week.

Buffett is meant to have said that. Whether he did or not, it’s right. Every yes you don’t mean is a no to something you did.

Passive is the man who says nothing. He lets his mate pick the bar every single time, lends money he’ll never see again, and goes home annoyed at everyone but himself.

Aggressive is the man who says plenty. He gets his way by being louder, and people stop telling him things. Nobody follows him. They just get out of his road.

Assertive is the bit in the middle. You say what you want, you say it once, and you can hear no without taking it personally.

Here’s the bit nobody warns you about. When a quiet man first finds his voice, he usually overshoots.

I did. Once I worked out that I could disagree with people and the sky didn’t fall in, I disagreed with everyone, about everything. It took a while to come back to the middle.

Speak up. Just don’t be a nob about it.

“I don’t mind” sounds polite. What she hears is a man with no opinions, who is going to make her do the deciding for the rest of the night. And the rest of the year, if you last that long.

An assertive man signals three things, and all three are attractive.

He’s confident

Not because he says so. Because he picks the restaurant, orders without asking what she’s having, and doesn’t apologise for the choice. Confidence isn’t a feeling you wait for. It’s what the behaviour looks like from the outside.

She knows where she stands

Her mate’s birthday drinks land on the night of your five-a-side. The passive man cancels the football and resents her for it. The assertive man says he’ll be there at nine, after the game, and means it.

That clarity is refreshing. People spend half their relationships guessing. A man who tells you where the line is, before you’ve crossed it, is easy to be with. I wrote more about that in Boundaries.

He says it without a fight

Assertive isn’t a tone of voice. It’s saying the thing clearly, without the sulk before it or the dig after it. Less gets misunderstood, so there’s less to argue about later.

The first time you assert yourself and the world doesn’t end, something clicks. You do it again. Each time it gets easier, and each time you believe a little more that your wants count.

Assertiveness builds confidence, and confidence makes you more assertive. It’s a loop, and the only hard bit is getting on it.

So start small, and start where you already feel safe. The waiter. The barber who always takes too much off. The mate who’s owed you forty quid since March. Low stakes, and it all counts.

And ask the stupid question. In every meeting, every group, there’s a question half the room wants answered and nobody will ask. Be the one who asks it. People remember who spoke up, and they start speaking up too.

That’s the part people miss. Assertiveness isn’t just good for you. It gives everyone around you permission.

Being clear about your intentions is attractive. Don’t play games, say what you’re looking for.

But that is not a green light to wear your heart on your sleeve. Telling a girl you’ve met twice that you think she’s the one is not assertive. It’s needy, and I’ve written about how badly that ends.

The difference is simple. Assertive is stating what you want and letting her decide. Needy is stating what you want and then waiting by the phone for her to fix you.

The same goes for the other end. Raising your voice isn’t assertiveness. Going through her phone isn’t assertiveness. Winning the argument by making it unpleasant to carry on isn’t assertiveness. That’s the right-hand end of the line, and nobody fancies it for long.

What I’d tell the lad who looked away

Hold the eye contact. It’s not a threat.

Say what you want, once, in plain English. Say no when you mean no. Let people be annoyed about it, because they’ll get over it faster than you’d think.

You’ll overshoot. Everybody does. Come back to the middle.

And when you get there, you’ll wonder what you were so scared of. I still do.