If you don’t set your own boundaries, someone else will set them for you. You won’t like where they put them.
Ever feel like people are forever stepping on you? Cancelling an hour before. Dumping their problems on you at midnight. Expecting you to drop everything because they asked.
That’s on you.
Harsh, I know. But without a line, you’re handing out invitations for people to treat you like cr*p, and most of them will take you up on it. Not because they’re evil. Because you let them.
A boundary is two things added together.
What you need. Sleep. Your evenings. Your money. A Sunday with nobody in it.
What you won’t put up with. Being cancelled on twice. Being the free therapist. Being the one who always drives.
Your needs plus your limits. That’s the whole equation. Everything else is detail.
01
The drain
It’s 11pm. Your phone goes. It’s him again, same problem as last week, and you pick up.
Think of your energy as a tank. Every yes takes a bit out. Cover my shift. Lend us fifty quid. Just five minutes. Can you pick me up.
None of them put anything back.
Without a line, people will go through your time and energy like vultures on a carcass, and by Friday there’s nothing left for you. Not for the gym, not for the book, not for the girl you actually like. You’ve spent it all on people who never asked how much you had.
I used to be that bloke. The one who said yes to everything because no felt like a betrayal. I covered where that came from in Neediness; the short version is that I wanted to be liked more than I wanted to be rested.
Learning to say no isn’t selfish. It’s maintenance. Even machines get switched off now and then.
02
You taught them
She cancels an hour before. You say no worries. She cancels again. You say no worries.
People treat you the way you let them. Not the way you’d like, the way you let them.
If you never said where the line was, don’t be surprised when they walk over it. They didn’t see it. You never drew it.
Every reply is a lesson. “No worries” twice in a row teaches her that it’s fine. Answering the work email at ten at night teaches your boss that ten at night is a working hour. Picking up the midnight call teaches him that you’re always on.
Henry Cloud and John Townsend wrote a whole book called Boundaries, and the bit that stuck with me is simple: a boundary isn’t a wall to keep people out. It’s a line that says where you end and they begin.
Say it once, clearly. Then say it the same way the next time. A line that moves every time somebody pushes on it isn’t a line.
03
Inside the fence
Draw a line round what’s yours. Everything on the other side is somebody else’s problem.
What goes inside is up to you. Mine looks something like this.
Dating. Be upfront early about what you’re after, and don’t clear your diary for someone you met on Tuesday. Keep your own plans. If she’s worth it she’ll fit around a man who has a life, and if she isn’t, you’ve lost nothing.
In a relationship. Say what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not, before it becomes a row. Time apart is allowed. Your own mates, your own hobbies, your own evening. It isn’t a threat to the relationship, it’s what keeps you interesting in it.
At work. Know what your job is, so the extra stuff doesn’t quietly become your job. Set your hours and keep them. Nobody on their deathbed wished they’d answered more email.
Mates and family. You can decline. You don’t have to go to every birthday, every leaving do, every Sunday lunch. And a text is not a summons; you can reply when you’ve got a minute.
04
What it costs you
You said yes again. You’re furious about it. He has no idea.
Put everyone else first for long enough and you burn out. Physically, mentally, the lot. That part is just arithmetic.
Then the resentment starts. You begin to hate the people who keep crossing the line, even though you never told them where it was. That isn’t fair on them, and it’s miserable for you.
And underneath it, something worse. If you don’t respect your own line, why would anyone else? Every time you fold, you learn a little more that your needs come last, and so does everyone watching.
The fix is boring. Speak up early, before it festers. The first time she cancels, say it then. The first time he dumps on you at midnight, say you’ll call him tomorrow. Saying it isn’t aggressive. I wrote about the difference in Assertiveness; there’s a way to say no that isn’t an argument, and most of it is just saying it sooner.
Set them or get walked over
Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.
Nobody is coming to draw the line for you. The people stepping on you aren’t going to stop out of kindness. Most of them don’t know they’re doing it.
Decide what you need. Decide what you won’t have. Say it out loud, once, plainly, and hold it when they test it, because they will.
Set them or get walked over. It’s your life.