Limerence

Limerence is a sneaky b*stard.

It takes a simple crush and turns it into an obsession that eats everything else.

It blinds you. You think differently and you behave differently. You build a fantasy out of a person you barely know, then you get desperate and needy trying to keep it.

I know because it happened to me over a waitress.

Two things worth telling apart.

• A crush. Exciting, a bit of a lift, and you get on with your week.

• Limerence. She is the week.

A few years ago I was about as low as I’ve been. No purpose, no direction, no idea what I was doing with myself.

Normally when I’m like that I lock myself in the apartment and don’t come out. One night Paul talked me into cocktails.

As soon as we sat down my eyes went to the waitress. Cute, and like any savvy waitress who wants a tip, the banter was there and the flirting was on point.

Funny how a bit of attention makes you forget how sh*t you feel, isn’t it.

At the end of the night I thought I’d try my luck and ask for her number. I was genuinely surprised when I got it.

We messaged for a few days, then met for a drink. It was obvious from the start that we had almost nothing in common, but there was plenty of touch and flirting, so I didn’t give a sh*t.

She made me feel special and wanted, which was the exact opposite of how I felt about myself.

By the end of the week I’d fallen so hard, so fast, that she was all I could think about.

What should have been a bit of fun turned into an obsession. Before long the neediness showed, and it killed the attraction in an instant.

Then came the rejection, which landed on top of everything I was already feeling before I’d met her.

That was my introduction to limerence.

I’d latched onto someone else’s validation and started obsessing over something that wasn’t real. It lasted about a month and it felt f*cking awful. Shameful? Yes. But it happens.

Limerence is powerful, horrible sh*t when they don’t feel the same.

A healthy crush is exciting. It gives you a lift and a bit of confidence, and you still get your work done.

Limerence is the other thing. You can’t stop thinking about her, and everything else in your life goes quiet.

It builds a version of her that doesn’t exist. The flaws go, the good bits get bigger, and you fall for the edit. Were we compatible? Did we want the same things? I never asked. I didn’t care.

It puts your mood on a rope she’s holding. A message and you’re flying. Four hours of silence and you’re on the floor. That’s the line in the drawing above, and it isn’t a line you’d draw for someone you were happy with.

And it eats the rest of your life. Mates, the gym, work, the things you were supposed to be building. None of it gets a look in, because all of it is waiting for a reply.

Underneath all of it is the fear of being rejected, which makes you desperate for any sign that she feels the same. Desperate is the one thing nobody is attracted to.

First, admit it’s limerence and not a crush. What you’re feeling isn’t really about her. It’s your head using her to feel something.

Don’t beat yourself up for it either. That just keeps you in the apartment.

Then get some distance. Stop messaging. Mute her. Stay off her Instagram. You can’t get over someone you check on twelve times a day.

And stop masturbating over them. Yes, I’m talking to you. Every time you do, you feed the fantasy you’re trying to starve.

Fill the space with something. Do cool sh*t. A hobby, a project, a list of small jobs you can actually tick off. It isn’t about improving yourself, it’s about giving your head somewhere else to go.

Talk to your mates. Properly, not the jokey version. There are sh*t tons of men who’ve been through exactly this. Find them, and if you’re in Chiang Mai, email me. I also talked to ChatGPT at 3am more than once. Twenty dollars a month and it never gets bored of you.

Reality check the fantasy. Write down what you actually know about her. Not the edit, the facts. Do you share a single value? Would you still want her if she wasn’t ignoring you?

When the thoughts come, and they will, don’t chase them. Stay where you are instead of where your head wants to take you. I wrote about how in How to be mindful, and your body will tell you when you’re not coping, if you listen to it.

And get comfortable with your own company. If you can be alright on your own, the next bit of attention doesn’t own you.

Was it her?

No.

She was a waitress doing her job well, and then a girl who went for one drink with a bloke she had nothing in common with. She did nothing wrong.

The problem was me walking into that bar empty. When you’ve got nothing of your own going on, the first person who makes you feel wanted becomes the whole plan.

It took about a month to pass. Nobody fixed it. I stopped checking my phone, started doing things again, and one day I realised I hadn’t thought about her since breakfast.

That’s how it ends. Not with a message. With a morning where she doesn’t come up.