Touch

Ever wondered why you’ve fallen so hard, so fast, for a girl who only started showing interest last week?

Here’s my guess.

When a girl we’re attracted to touches us, it’s like a physical drug.

A playful punch. A hug at the bar. A peck on the cheek. Her hand in yours for a second while she pulls you through a crowd.

Tiny moments. They can make a grown man fall over himself.

Two things in this post.

• Why a touch from her hits so hard, and what to do when she stops.

• How to use touch yourself, in the right order, without being a creep.

I’ve fallen victim to this more than once, without understanding why I liked certain girls way more than I should have.

It usually goes like this. You meet an attractive girl on a night out. She’s had a few drinks, she’s relaxed, and she’s touchy. A hand on your arm when she laughs. A hug when she heads to the bar.

A few days later she’s no longer interested. But the seed of desire she planted in your head is growing wildly out of control.

For a man who isn’t used to much attention, especially physical attention, this can blow your brain out.

It’s an instant ego boost. Validation. This beautiful creature wants me.

Except she probably doesn’t. She was drunk and friendly, and your head did the rest.

If that sounds familiar, the long version is in Limerence.

When you feel that touch, no matter how small, your brain releases oxytocin.

It’s the same chemical that bonds mothers to their babies, and lovers to each other. So when somebody you fancy touches you, your brain goes into overdrive. Connected. Quite frankly, hooked.

It’s not just in your head. Kathleen Light and colleagues at the University of North Carolina (Biological Psychology, 2005) sat couples down to talk and finish with a twenty-second hug. The women who got more hugs from their partner day to day had more oxytocin in their blood and lower blood pressure. I went on about that in Hugging.

Like all drugs, it makes you want to come back for more and more.

Sounds amazing, right? But what if she doesn’t feel the same.. Oh sh*t.

Once you understand how powerful touch is, you can use it to wean yourself off her.

They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. There’s certainly truth in it.

The more you expose yourself to being touched by attractive women, the more immune you become. One girl’s hand on your arm stops being an event.

So get yourself back out there. Stop dwelling and replaying it in your head, and give more girls reasons to want to touch you.

If you can, go somewhere touch is normal. I lived in Thailand, and there and in the Philippines people are far more open to touch than back home. It recalibrates you fast.

Before I understood any of this I relied solely on words. I’d stand there chatting and wonder why nothing was moving.

Once I started adding a little touch, things changed. Conversations got easier, I felt more confident, and girls responded.

It isn’t just me. Nicolas Guéguen, a French psychologist, ran two experiments (Social Influence, 2007). A man in a nightclub asked women to dance. Touching her forearm for a second as he asked took the yes rate from 43% to 65%. In the street, asking for a phone number, the same touch nearly doubled it, 10% to 19%.

A second on the forearm. That’s it.

Kino escalation

Learn it. The idea is a staircase, and you take the steps in order.

A handshake when you meet. A touch on the arm when she laughs. A hug when one of you goes to the bar. Her hand, held a beat longer than you need to.

Each step is small enough that it doesn’t need an answer, and each one tells you whether to take the next. She leans in, you go up a step. She leans away, you stay put.

That’s the whole skill. Men get it wrong by skipping steps, or by climbing when she’s already told them to stop. If she steps back, you step down. That bit isn’t optional.

Touch has a memory

Keats wrote that to Fanny Brawne while he was dying, and I think of it every time a girl from a night out stays in my head longer than she should.

Her hand on your arm lasted a second. Your brain keeps it for weeks.

Know that, and you can use it both ways. Enough touch that she remembers you. Not so much of hers that you forget yourself.